Someone re-posted this to JH. Thanks to whomever. This guy was hitting this job on the nail back when I started - with a sense of humor. If you are offended by scatalogical humor, go no further!
KLANK's Komedy: "Night Shift"
Author: Klank Repost # 3 / RH173 Date: 5/20/2009 7:41:00 AM
NIGHT SHIFTFirst day back after a nice seven off, time to get my head back in the work mode, night shift this week. My normal game plan to get my body switched around to nights is to stay up kind of late the night before, with a heaping helping of barley pop, eating some jalapeno poppers that I squirt with Cheese in a can. Well its three am the British sank the Bismarck again (the black and white British version) and it was time for bed.Nothing like a good ten hours of sleep, time to get my shift bags ready, I’m a geographic bachelor for my hitch and after a three hour drive to the company provided pilot quarters, I will still have time to lay down for an hour or so before I have to go in. Woooo, a little gassy this morning, that one made the cat run and the dog give me a look of “Dude, stop eating the cat food”. Oh well, just a little air biscuit, no gravy. Something to settle my stomach would be nice, looking in the fridge, I spy six hardboiled eggs, score, left over from when mama made potato salad. That should do the trick, so I ate three of them and take the rest for later.Nothing better than a big cup of coffee with the tunes cranked to just below internal bleeding, cruse control set, beautiful day drive. Humm, a little bit of rumble in my tummy, as I do the butt cheek boogie, lean over slightly and Rippppppp, bounced that one right off the leather seat, I’d say about a 8 for effect. A little odiferous though, better crack the window and let that one go. Fly, be free, and away I go to my first pit stop.I always stop at the Taco Bell just a little over half way of my quest. The coffee has worked its way through and although the volume of my little gas problem has decreased, the odor has magnified tenfold, with a little more pressure in my belly. I make a beeline for the can, as I walk in I see its all clear. I hate having to use public rest rooms especially when I know it’s going to be loud and loose. In the stall I remove my pager from my belt, (ever deep six your pager when you undo your belt to take a dump) drop my drawers and prepare for a moment of meditation. Slam, as the door bangs open and a little voice loudly states, “Daddy, I can do it myself”, Ok son, but I’ll be right outside if you need me. It wasn’t that bad before, but now, in the position of evacuation the pressure builds. La, La, La, he sings as he flushed the urinal twelve times, splash, splash in the sink, four hundred paper towels, and then sink on, sink off, sink on, sink off. I’ve had all I can stand, and I can’t stands no more. Ripppp, Splash, Foosh, with the full echo effect you get in those little boxes they call rest rooms. I hear little feet running like hell for the door, Bang, forgot to open it, Bang, he swung the door open so hard it hit the wall and bounced back and nailed him on the way out. “I can do it myself Daddy”, ya right, hope he’s scared for life. Man I hate the one ply sh#t tickets those cheap bastards put in here.Two Burrito Supremes, but no coffee, can’t believe the coffee upset my gut so, and back on the road. The food is settling my gut, will be there in about an hour, settle in, quick nap and off to work.As I pull into the base I see some activity, cool a flight right off the bat. My co part tells me that we got an inter facility and the med crew is just getting ready to go, should have a good thirty to forty minutes. As I crawl around the ship giving it the once over twice, I get a real bad cramp in my stomach, damn that coffee. With the grip my bung hole has to keep it all inside, I’m sure it could crush a walnut, as I do the funny little walk that I’m glad nobody can see. WOW, Major Bowel Letting, woooo, I got sweat dripping of my forehead, and the smell is like a rotten piece of meat in an old boot buried under an old out house that is now used as a chicken coop. Oh Great, three sheets of toilet paper left, I stretch round and peek under the sink. Empty, Damn, I bet there are fifty rolls in the nurse bathroom but do we have any, NOOOOOO. Kleenex! Half a box, boy that’s smooth, need it all though, with the force that the oozing mass of fluid mix hit the water with, it splashed all over my goat smelling ass. Feels good to get back out in the cool fresh air, med crew on the way, ship looks good, nice night for a flight. As I help the crew load this poor old soul, I can’t help but wonder about him. Ten years older than dirt, eighty pounds, and all alone, could that be me someday?When done properly, this is the most boring flying in the world, everything went great. Got some time to kill, stomach behaving but still just a little uneasy. You know a soda and another hardboiled egg or two should just do the trick, so I go to the machine and get a Mountain Dew, pull out my bag and eat, aw hell all three eggs.A lot cooler now, about 2 C, beautiful clear night, plenty of illum and stars to boot. This is why I’m here, the crew is hunkered down quiet, this was their third flight today, and I’m just glad to be here.Grrrrumble, Bubble, Bubble, Hmmm, I can’t understand what’s going on, its been hours since I drank that coffee. Caution Light in my head, pressure build up, open relief valve. Man, I can’t let one loose now, the crew would throw me out if this is half as bad as that last one. Butt cheek clinched tight now, sitting up very straight, with my toes just barely touching the pedals, with about a five minute ETE. I’m ok now, but when I start my decent and have to start getting on the pedals, I’m worried that it will be running down my leg before it’s all over. Maybe I can wiggle out just a little, you know, just enough to relieve the pressure so I can land this thing and make it back to the john. Nice and warm in here, if I open the window the crew will bitch, if I try to turn up the heat a little, this damn bleed air heater is so sensitive it will blow us out of here. I’ll just crack the window a little bit, pinch off the top, and no one will be the wiser. Window cracked, lean ever so gently to the left and ooooOOOSPLA, BRAKE OFF, Wave off, Abort, Damn that’s going to leave a mark!!!! I wonder if the med crew will, Thump, Thump, I hear the pax windows sliding open hard. Over the intercom I hear a combination of profanity, religious and medical expletives, and something about my mother. Turn up the heat!! The nurse yells, not even using the intercom. I reply with, Close the windows. That is followed by #@$%^%#$@ and *$#@!$%$#!, Damn, and you use that mouth to eat with girl.Back on the pad not much is said, a few looks as they hurry of to finish up their work so they can crash out for a while. I wait so I can do my funny little walk back to the john, pressure really high now and I am in pain. Ahhhh back on the john, and yep, it left a mark, OOOOoh, ouch, that Johnny Cash song “Burning Ring of Fire” starts running through my head. And it Burns, Burns, Burns, Oh Sh#t, I was in such a hurry I forgot to get the damn toilet paper, Damn, Damn, Damn, now what? Extreme times call for extreme measures, lets see, 1997 May issue of People magazine, I was going to read that someday, wrong kind of paper, it will just smear it all over, Ah what do we have here? Trade a Plane, texture good, lots of pages, good. As I sit there ripping pages and crumpling them up, I just can’t understand how one lousy cup of coffee could do all this.